Divorce Recovery and Early Dating: MUST I Start Dating Again? 8 Good Reasons and 8 Bad ReasonsPosted by Greve Castaneda on May 20th, 2021 After a relationship dies, the resulting trauma is huge. This is the time to shed the burdensome attachments to days gone by and spread your wings. Now could be not the time to make any life altering decisions. Now is the time to get acquainted again together with your playful, fun-loving side. Dating can be one way to re-examine your zest for life. However, all dating is not equal. Some help you in making your transition from being "coupled" to being "happy, single, and free." Others inhibit it. A helpful decision rule is: Are you celebrating your new-found freedom from the attachments of being coupled, OR are you currently feeding your attachments to days gone by? Healthy Reasons for Early Dating: Dating to take pleasure from Your Freedom from Attachments Are you dating to regenerate your joy with life? You have been in a gloomy dark place for some time. Now is a great time to "turn over a fresh leaf" and remind yourself that life can be joyful. Are you dating to reboot your fascination with the future? Much of your life recently entailed dwelling on days gone by. What your ex did for you, what your ex did not do for you. What you could have done differently. How you got screwed by the system, etc. Now is the time to shift your focus on the near future and remind yourself your own future can be great - if you allow it to be. Are you dating to reestablish your belief in your attractiveness? Divorce is ugly. It involves rejection by both parties eventually. dating sites uk of attractiveness and feeling wanted withers. Dating can return the feeling that others find you attractive. Are you dating to experience validation? Validation is the most typical casualty of divorce. We survive divorce wounded. Dating can begin to return our sense of validation and confirmation. Are you dating to possess sex? Sometimes things are simple and straightforward. Sex with a new partner who wants to be with you will be a pleasant experience, regardless of whatever meaning you attribute to the act. Sex for the fun of it is different from having sex as a precursor to a fresh committed relationship. Now is NOT enough time to even be having fantasies about anything longterm. Are you dating to feel much better? free dating sites uk leave a divorce feeling damaged. Dating someone new can help to reestablish your self-confidence and expect the future - but only if finished with shared transparency and full awareness of just what a transition relationship is. Are you dating to help make the transition from being coupled to being uncoupled? Following a divorce you are faced with huge transition from being coupled/married to being uncoupled/single. Success in this transition requires one to dissolve all attachments to your ex and the life you shared. While early dating won't, by itself, accomplish that transition, dating to exercise thooughly your right to enjoy your brand-new life of no attachments is certainly good and healthy. Here is the intention and the role of a Transition Relationship. Are you dating just because you now can? There exists a sense of freedom now that you have no spouse to answer to. Allow wind blow through your hair and enjoy the feeling simply for the sake of enjoyment. Self-Destructive Reasons for Early Dating: Dating to Feed Your Attachments to the Past Other reasons to start out dating will retard your recovery from divorce. Are www.zotero.org/groups/4057163/brokerparcel4368 dating to make your ex feel bad? Angry at your ex? Dating to show your ex partner you are "doing just fine" given that he/she is gone belies the point that you still wish to know that you will be still important enough to your ex that he/she would notice what you are really doing. In other words, you're only perpetuating the attachments to your ex you need to be dissolving. Are you dating to feel less? Getting divorced hurts. People believe dating will end the feelings. It doesn't. It only temporarily covers over the pain. But the pain is still there as long as you attach painful feelings to your memories of how life used to be. Are you currently dating to forget? Forget it. You can't forget it. Wishing you can change what happened yesterday won't change what happened yesterday. But that's OK. You can remember the past without being mounted on it. Your past will there be to teach you how exactly to use your future. You can utilize your past by harvesting the wisdom it provides. Your job is to "reframe" the memories by replacing the negative feelings mounted on them with either positive feelings or friendly indifference. Are you dating to find your next marriage partner? Stay in your tracks! Way too soon for this. Your immediate job after getting divorced is to get fully unattached from all physical and emotional attachments to your ex partner and the life you shared. You will have plenty of time to begin with the search for the next committed relationship. However, this is the time to help make the transition from being coupled to being UNcoupled, including dissolving all of the painful emotions you have mounted on going through a divorce. Are you dating to placate your friends and relatives? They feel uncomfortable given that they do not know what to say to somebody who just got divorced. This is their problem, not yours. Ignore their advice. Are you dating to remember? When you and your ex first met, you enjoyed each other's company. Dating to keep in mind that it could be pleasant to spend time with someone else is good. However, if you are trying to remember, or recreate, those early days with your ex, you are still attached to him/her when your current job is to dissolve those attachments. Are you dating to satisfy your parents? Parents be worried about their children. They do not desire to see their children in pain. Parents want to fix things so their children won't suffer. Parents don't know how to proceed to "fix" their child's divorce. So that they succumb to the cultural myth, "Only if my child can find someone new, they'll be happy." All of this means is in the event that you start dating, they will no more feel incompetent in attempting to fix your pain. Your job is to look after you, not your parents. Politely ignore them. Are you dating to contend with your ex or make your ex partner feel bad, then those motivations should come back to bite you. Remember, you are divorced. You no longer come in a relationship with your ex. Therefore, what your ex does or doesn't do is no longer any of your business. None! This is a harmful way to take. Don't go there. So, What's the Point? Remember, your job is not to take care of your parents, relatives, or friends. Your task is to take care of yourself, and only yourself. If others shout "hooray!!" or if they "boo and hiss" together with your dating choices, this is none of one's business. It all boils down to why you intend to start dating again. If you need to start dating to make friends and family or relatives feel better, you will end up fooling yourself. It won't make one feel any better. Also, if you want to start dating again as you are still attached to some memories of you past life together with your ex, good or bad, you then are perpetuating the pain of divorce and delaying your recovery. However, to be able to start dating to enjoy your new-found freedom from the attachments to your ex partner and the life you shared, (as well as your attorney tells you dating at this time will not hurt you legally), then dating is healthy. Enjoy! For a step-by-step program that understands early dating and dating after divorce and guides you during your life-after-divorce transition process that allows one to replace troublesome strong emotions with healthy indifference, head to https://smoothdivorcerecovery.com/3482-2/ ? For an assessment of one's current Divorce Recovery Stress Level, visit https://smoothdivorcerecovery.com/product/divorce-recovery-stress-inventory/ I help divorced clients dramatically speed up their go back to the mainstream of life with renewed hope, unfettered by the chains of anger, resentment, and shame that accompany divorce. The target? Make this divorce your last divorce! I am Jerald Young. I'm a divorce recovery coach and the founder of Smooth Divorce Recovery. I wish you the most effective in making a complete and smooth recovery from divorce.Like it? Share it! More by this author |