Schools: Government to Dispense with Speling

Posted by Morin Krog on January 10th, 2021

Education Supremo, Jo "Anagram" O' Merpus (78) today unveiled the latest plank within the government's raft of measures made to "Make education in Britain unrecognizable." Its eagerly awaited want to remove spelling from the school curriculum will come into effect once the new school year starts in September.
"As of September this season," Mr Omerpus (68) told reporters via text in the bar of the Cheshire Fat Cat in the Nuthouse constituency, "Pupils, and even teachers, don't be asked to demonstrate the skills to spell, in written term work or on exam papers. As long as whoever reads their work may be reasonably sure of whatever they were probably saying, than the government feels placing upon pupils and teachers the outdated and pointless burden of spelling words as well as the boffs what write dictionaries is simply perliticul (sic) correctness gone mad. It is high time this fascistic torture was exposed to an end."
Arthur "Sloping" Forehead (22), leader with the biggest teachers' union was at least in agreement using the government. "For once I am in complete agreement with the government." he explained.
In a semi-literate news release issued later, Mr Forehead's press release writer further elaborated: "We have long felt that education is all about giving the children the things they want, together would with any consumer. This new measure aligns perfectly with all the government's previous innovations of ditching grammar and school attendance. It certainly makes our jobs a teachers simpler and takes the strain out of correcting written work. Most of us have a problem with all the spelling side and no teacher would like to spend morning, noon and night regarding his face in a very dickshonary (sic).
The Opposition's shadow minister for education wasn't so sure the federal government had first got it right. "We see nothing during these proposals," he was quoted saying, "to reassure us government entities has done enough to enhance the quality of the ticks pupils are putting beside their multiple-choice answers. Ticks which might be too scrawled and barely legible can lead to misunderstandings and inside the absence of an ability to write words, a pupil should be able to write his tick very clearly."
The government's senior educational adviser and reputedly the true architect of a raft of educational reforms described by an enthused PM recently as, "not a lot a raft as a veritable Titanic of long awaited change," is psychiatrist Dr Pewee Druggem.
Dr Druggem told this reporter, "The impossible demands placed upon children that they can learn how to spell correctly undermine a child's confidence inside mistaken assumption that self confidence derives from accomplishment and not, once we now know, being patted on the head and given plenty of sympathy."
He added,"It can also be socially divisive, splitting pupils into two classes: those smug little snots who is able to spell as well as a disenfranchised minority who are able to't. It also provides the former group an unfair advantage when it comes to things such as filling out job applications and benefit claims, and spellist employers too often discriminate to ensure that only 1 inside a hundred job vacancies travels to an individual struggling to spell. Indeed, find that invariably the only truly "equal opportunities" employers, as far as the alphabetically challenged are involved, are tabloid newspapers."
The House Detox Wiki took to explain that that sinister undermining of the child's self-esteem leads to a severe mental illness within the vast majority of youngsters, referred to as "Spelling Anxiety Disorder (SAD). "Well," Dr Druggem said, "we've levelled the arena by approximately eliminating it altogether."
When I asked whether this dumbing down, in as much as it removed the stress ultimately causing SAD, would cause the pharmaceutical companies to lose the substantial profits accruing in the sale of medication to take care of the disorder, Dr Druggem said:
"We choose the term LEVELLING down as dumbing down implies a worth judgement. Fortunately the drug cartels is not going to lose out. We may be eliminating SAD there is however a newly discovered disorder caused by the load of not being capable of spell. It is called Anxiety Related to Spelling Elimination (ARSE) as well as extensive medication to treat."
The British government's revolutionary new procedure for education is capturing the imagination of educators abroad. The Germans, French and Spanish in particluar enthusiastically welcomed the reforms and all three countries report a clear, crisp boost in "Thick Englishmen " jokes circulating at both grass roots and governmental levels.
"Once again," said a French spokesperson, the British lead the best way in providing endless amusement for the remainder of Europe."
Mr O'Merpus retorted, "Our European partners will laugh around the other side of their faces when British workers pick up all of the menial jobs available the gap and breadth from the Reich - I mean, Union."
The government is expecting its reforms to cover handsome dividends in improved exam results next season. It is now five years since any British pupil flunked a test and the us government is quick to adopt credit for the purpose it describes as not much a lowering of examination standards being a rise towards genius level of the entire population. Accordingly, ten-year-olds will be in a position to sit multiple-choice exams for PhDs generally in most subjects.
END
"Popularity with the new Text Messaging GCSE reaches new high." [c pg 11]
"We do not require no Educashun. We don't require no fort controwl." Diskuss. [See page 6]

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Morin Krog

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Morin Krog
Joined: January 7th, 2021
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