Overcoming Rejection

Posted by Nick Niesen on October 27th, 2010

now that I am have swum a few laps in the online dating pool, I am cogitating another one of Karen's crackpot theories of life. it's about rejection. or not hitting it off. or not being compatible. or refusing to compromise. which could all be the same thing, more or less, depending on how you look at it. anyway, here's my theory:

it seems to me that the intensity of the reaction a person has to a 'rejection' is inversely proportional to the trust they have in their concept of a higher power. stay with me one this one ... I think I can link it all up so it makes sense.

let's say a person has little belief in anything more perceptive, orderly, or organized than himself. he does not pray or surrender or feel his connection to any type of creator/source/deeper order/life force. he relies only upon his thinking for guidance, and does not believe in any type of bigger picture than what he can perceive with his five senses.

when a person with that consciousness thinks he has met his one and only, but she does not share his perception, then everything goes out of whack in his world. his life feels wrong, like it is departing from its path. he tries to reason with her, to convince her that she should stay, that she is making a mistake, because without her, his life seems empty.

she may consider their plight to be a simple case of incompatibility in some important area, but he perceives a personal rejection, and feels as if there is something wrong with him that he needs to fix. I cannot imagine a more powerless and helpless position to be in than feeling like there is something wrong with you that will keep you from ever having what you want, and not knowing how or being able to force yourself to fix it.

by contrast, let's look in on a person of faith, be it religious, spiritual, or contemplative/experiential. when she gets the memo that a new prospect does not feel the same kind of potential for a healthy and growing partnership that she does, her reaction happens on a different level.

she may feel some grief or sadness, but she does not perceive his opinion as a statement of judgment about who she is. she does not go on a campaign to woo him back. she does not start a self-improvement campaign to fix all her flaws. she simply accepts that her time with him was brief, and her trust in a higher power allows her to relax, because she does not feel that she is at the wheel and took a wrong turn and had better get herself and him back on track.

she trusts that the partner she is seeking will not require convincing. she surrenders to the bigger plan, knowing she may only have the capacity to see a step or two ahead of where she is, but never doubting that she will arrive at her destination. aware of the comforting and continuous presence of her inner guide, she does not feel alone, abandoned, or out of place. she lets go, and allows herself to experience her emotional response to the loss, and then moves on.

so if I was going to give any advice to my fellow swimmers, it would be this: focus more of your energy on cultivating a relationship with a higher power bigger than your mind and senses, and less of your energy on finding your perfect match. then you can marvel in the graciousness of letting people come and go from your life, as they are wired to do, and you will feel the freedom to do the same.

copyright 2006 karen alonge