Help! My Husband's Buddies Are Butting Into My Marriage

Posted by Nick Niesen on October 27th, 2010

Ask the Marriage Maven: Help! My Husband's Buddies are Butting into My Marriage

Q. My husband always wants to hang out with his ?boys?. He used to hang out with them a lot before we got married, and I thought that after we got married things would change and that he?d want to spend more time with me. Wrong!

It would be different if they did something productive, but all they do is sit around watching TV, playing video games, and listening to music. None of them have wives or serious girlfriends, except my husband? so I know they talk about other women, too.

We?ve only been married a year, and I already feel like we?re slipping into an old married couple relationship. A lot of fussing--and not much good communication. I?m afraid we won?t make it past year two. What can I do to make him want to spend more time with me?

J. N.

A. It is important that you and your husband spend a good amount of time together, especially as you guys are still learning what marriage is all about. But breaking up the boys club could be disastrous to your marriage. So I would not recommend telling your husband to cut his friends off completely, unless they are encouraging him to be unfaithful to you or contributing to addictive behaviors.

I know it can be annoying if your husband seems like he?d rather spend time with his buddies instead of you, but you?ll need to give him some rope. Whatever you do, don?t nag him about his time with his friends and let it be a constant source of bickering. Be clear that you want to spend more time with him, but let your actions be positive.

Here are three positive actions you can take:

1. Encourage the boys to meet in your house. Make his friends feel welcome in your home, make snacks (if you like to cook), and give them room to do their thing.

2. Suggest regular dates with your husband. Fill his social calendar at least once or twice a week with a planned activity that you two can share together. These dates don?t have to be expensive or overly involved. They can be as simple as a walk in the park or coffee at you local coffee shop. You can initiate until he feels the need to do more of the planning.

3. Another solution would be to set his friends up. I know that it?s a little sneaky and risky, but it can work. If they?re just two or three of them, have monthly mixers (or get-togethers) in your home with them and some of your single girlfriends. Who knows, they may hit it off, thereby freeing up some of your husband?s time.

A combination of these three suggestions, will probably work best. They?ll broaden your social life and deepen your relationship with each other. I hope these ideas have been helpful. I?m wishing you all the best in your marriage!

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Nick Niesen

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Nick Niesen
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