Copywriting Makeover: Subtle Changes Make A Big Difference, Part 2 of 2

Posted by Nick Niesen on October 27th, 2010

In part 1 of this series (seen here: http://www.marketingwords.com/articles/articles_subtlechanges.html), we were introduced to Kneelsit.com, an Australian manufacturer of ergonomic computer chairs who was in search of a high conversion rate. After spotting several trouble areas within Kneelsit's original copy (viewable here: http://www.copywritingcourse.com/kneelsit-home-original.html), I set out to rewrite the home page with specific goals in mind.

The Rewrite

I really felt for the users of these chairs. They had back problems and medical issues, trying desperately to find relief. I can only imagine how it must feel to sit in pain all day, every day. And, after seeing so many false claims for other chairs, I could understand how they might be skeptical. So, after reading the new home page copy, I wanted the site visitors to have confidence, to see the difference in the Kneelsit chair and to understand the benefits this chair would offer.

Of course, those in chronic pain were not the only visitors to the Kneelsit site. While they were the primary segment, the audience also consisted of those with mild back pain, those with inconsistent problems or simple fatigue, and those who simply wanted a comfortable chair that wouldn't contribute to any future back problems. The copy also needed to meet their needs and provide the information they were seeking.

You can see the revised copy here: http://www.copywritingcourse.com/kneelsit-home-new.pdf.

The Headline

The original headline did, in fact, list benefits. It stated:

Superb Comfort, Perfect Posture, Gentle Movement, Natural Balance

However, only one of those benefits spoke to audience members? Superb Comfort. While posture may have been a secondary thought, gentle movement and natural balance didn't strike a chord simply because of a lack of knowledge. As it happens, these two benefits are important, but the general population doesn't understand what they mean. It would require educating the site visitors about these two before they would grasp their full meaning. That education couldn't take place within the headline (not enough room!), so those two benefits needed to be removed.

The headline needed to evoke feelings of trust for the skeptical and a sense of stability for the hesitant. It also needed to provide an obvious benefit - one that would catch the reader's attention.

Also, because it made sense to do so, I included one keyphrase in the headline. The new headline read:

Ergonomic Chair Design Based On Years Of Research Lets You
Sit For Hours With No Back Pain

The Opening Paragraph

The original copy started out just fine by naming some important benefits, but it didn't back them up. After pointing out the relief of stress and pain, it went directly into an explanation about the chair's patent.

The new copy took a cleaner path. It started by pointing out that others (users and professionals) liked the chair, and then it proceeded (in the next section) to explain why.

The original copy tried to educate readers about the importance of continuous movement and natural balance. There is nothing wrong with educating your customers; however, you need to give ample space to do that. Because the visitors had limited information about these two benefits on the home page, they may have been confused or - at the least - unpersuaded.

The new copy held firm on one feature: the swivel axel mechanism. It explained how this helped with customization of settings to fit every body type and more. With minimal education needed, the customer was able to understand that this one, patented feature offered multiple benefits.

Rather than simply listing shipping details for the close of the copy, the new version of the home page pointed out some additional benefits pertaining to quality and stylishness.

As I wrote, I looked for places to use the keyphrases chosen for this page. This was absolutely not a numbers game. My goal was not to use the keyphrases as often as I possibly could. That approach is not SEO copywriting, in my book.

Basing your copywriting strategy simply on the sheer volume of times you can include keyphrases makes the copy sound forced and ridiculous. In fact, on this home page, the keyphrases were only used a total of four or five times. Yet, to the amazement of some, the home page ranks in the top 10 (and often top five) for its chosen key terms.

The Results

Did it work? Did the changes bring out the results we wanted? They sure did! When asked about improved conversions, the owner of Kneelsit.com had this to say, "Our conversion rate has definitely improved since the rewrite? probably by around 35-40%!"

Sometimes, even though you may have included important information in your copy, it just doesn't do what you hoped it would. Take the time to explore, experiment and test. Replace a headline. Rephrase a paragraph. Subtle changes can often make noticeable improvements in conversions and other areas of business.