In his last State of the Passenger Elevator

Posted by beranter on January 22nd, 2016

In his last State of the Passenger Elevator, that renowned weaver of uplifting platitudes, President Barack Obama, crocheted his constituents one final quilt of bittersweet melancholy to remember him by. Not a victory lap so much as someone pulling his arms inside the chains preparing to dismount a swing over a crocodile pit.

According to the outgoing 44th POTUS, the State of the Union is pretty much what we thought he'd think it. Good, but could be better. Moving forward with some ways to go. Could use a little paint around the edges, but otherwise in halfway decent shape. Couple of dents, but damn it, we're the country that invented Bondo.

We remain full of promise and hope, but need a concerted effort to overcome badness. We're a country where evil is not welcome, thank you very much. Sure, we have plenty of righteous people, but unless we maintain a constant vigil, nefarious elements will overtake our agenda of goodness. And then old people will die. Which is wrong.

The Elevator Factory things we stand for are families, jobs and health. Conditions we can do without are crime, crib death and grumpy New York developers with the cheery optimism of that gray green slime you find clinging to sunken cave ceilings. But the president is forced to speak in soaring rhetoric while the rest of us long for specific proposals. We here at Durstco are here to help. Here's a couple of tiny tweaks guaranteed to raise our quality of life.