Talking To Kids About Divorce

Posted by Hendra Ramdani on June 1st, 2019

Talking To Kids About Divorce

An effective mind before I could even remember my parents together and I would like to share some perspectives as a child of divorce. To give you some tips to understanding your child’s behaviors and reactions to the change and some ideas about what you can do to be a safe supportive base for your child during this transition and beyond.  

MYTH ABOUT DIVORCE

But first let’s bust some divorce myths the first myth that kids won’t remember. Some people think that just because your divorce happened before children were old enough to remember or to understand what was happening that it doesn’t affect them.  The second myth is that even if the divorce is happy or without conflict that kids won’t need any extra support or counseling or that their behaviors won’t be effective.  These could not be further from the truth now every child is different but this lack of a family identity no matter when it happens can bring up questions of self-worth and self-doubt, if dismissed as unreasonable or silly your perception of divorce may be that it’s best for everyone your child’s perception is what you have to respond to now kids show stress in different ways so main let’s draw.

child of divorce
Talking To Kids About Divorce

Four C’s of Divorce

Some may seem depressed or unresponsive and some kids may even develop physical aches and pains. And then on the opposite extreme some kids may be more aggressive or rage temperament and environment both impacts how kids process divorce and separation and naturally anxious child may develop more severe symptoms and their daily threshold for stress and change and transition may be lower.  

A child who is more flexible may not show any outward signs of stress but may seem argumentative or distant or uncooperative a child with an overly sensitive temperament, may regress emotionally or they may that baby like attention may seem regressive in their behavior these are signs that your child needs help coping. So what can we do to provide a buffer to the stress of family separation and divorce, my suggestion is to follow the four C’s communication consistency care and counseling.

COMMUNICATION

Communication this is so important, don’t talk about your ex in a negative light even if you think they deserve it, or if you think your child isn’t listening or put your ex down or contradict their parenting ideas in front of your child.

The verbal attacks and emotional abuse arguing. That often follow a contentious separation or divorce are often more responsible for the extra stress. That your child feels then the actual separation itself obviously you shouldn’t fight right in front of your child.

But this extends to talking about your ex in front of your child. What you say about your ex-partner or spouse is what your child is going to internalize about himself. Needs to do that this becomes your child’s story they will take those messages and form their self-concepts around your opinion of your ex-partner I know that this is unintentional.

I know that you don’t mean this to happen but your time a choose one of you to be the victim and then choose to protect that person children can sense your feelings about each other and this may confuse them and make them feel guilty about their desire to spend time with or see the other parent parental tension arguing none of this escapes your child’s understanding or awareness many people feel that young children are protective because they don’t know what’s going on they’re too young believe me they do.

CONSISTENCY

The second C is consistency, don’t ever use your child as a pawn and settlement discussions or custody arrangements or ask your child, who they would like to live with kids should not be asked to choose or decide grown-up responsibilities this is an emotional burden that is not theirs to bear and it is too much for them to handle as much as you can commit to acting.

Pleasant and loving when you see your ex during those custody transitions and I know this can be hard, sometimes it’s hard to even look in the same direction let alone be civil with someone that you have so much conflict with. But this is exactly what needs to be done finally rituals are also a great way to keep the consistency of relationships going back and forth between houses can be really stressful for a child when children come back from the other household there’s.

Often a period of adjustment that they go through behaviorally speaking especially, if there is conflict or different parenting styles at place will allow for this transition time know that it might be bumpy and create emotional moments that allow you to reconnect and attune to each other upon each return.

If your child comes back every Sunday make Sunday Fun day, have a special game or an activity or an event that you do each week on this day to reconnect with your child, and re-establish the safety and security that your kid needs to feel, you can make a special craft or use it to remind your child that they can hold this item close when they miss you or when they miss the other parent or if they feel worried about when they’re going to see you or the other parent again this provides children with an emotional anchor

CARE

The next C is care now this sounds obvious but the most important thing that you can do for a child is unconditionally accept his emotions and treat them with tender loving care expect and accept all emotions that come up never deny or discounts out of guilt or in an effort to protect your child be honest.  

But take care to give your child only the information that they need to feel secure respond to the emotions rather than the behavior that you see you’re going to want to give your child extra attention and care during this transition time and it might be helpful to even keep his world as small as possible in the beginning trying to keep busy with friends or family can be helpful or it can be overwhelming so follow your child’s cues introducing people or partners or friends too soon.

May be upsetting to a child especially young children because they can get really attached to new people quickly,  and then if those relationships don’t work out then kids may think that it’s their fault and then accept this false, belief that ever one that they love eventually leaves caring for another it means that you accept that your idea of support, may be different than the kind of support that your child actually requires so be sensitive to what your child is asking for

COUNSELING

And finally get kids into counseling, younger kids older kids even if you think the divorce was amicable kids need an objective listener they need to know that their feelings are validated and sometimes saying mom and dad happier than they were before that, may be the best for you but it could cause kids to doubt their own feelings about the situation especially.

If they didn’t see it coming little kids also need support play therapy art therapy family therapy none of this should be avoided simply because you feel that the kids what she young to notice what was happening that was my teachable moment for you I hope that if you are going through something like this or have gone through something like this that you can find some peace and a little bit of comfort as you lead your children through this transition with a focus on their emotional health and yours I would love to connect in person so if you’d like more teachable moments like this

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Hendra Ramdani

About the Author

Hendra Ramdani
Joined: June 1st, 2019
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