What goes first? The cat, the dog, or the kiddo?

Posted by Matt Morris on February 1st, 2020

When you're stuck trying to find a home in Florida (as with trying to find a home anywhere), it sometimes feels like an uphill battle to find that perfect right spot.

So what's a dad of kids, both furry and the bald type?

Unless you're lucky enough to happen across a very pet-friendly home like the Dog-friendly condos Highland Beach – (Highland Beach is mostly condos on the ocean), you're still going to be pushing it if you have too large or too potentially harmful little beasties. Or if your dogs are too large of, too.

So what goes first? How do you decide if you rehome the dogs, the cats, or the kiddoes?

Note: this article is intended for entertainment purposes only, and the author does NOT support the sale of human beings or human trafficking.

I know what you're thinking. It's barbaric! How could you possibly rehome your dogs and cats just to buy a new home?

Life is tough, man. Sometimes you have to make the hard choices.

For this reason, I've developed a system or pros and cons to help you quickly and easily identify which animals best deserve a place in the new home.

Should I rehome the dogs or the cats?

When deciding between the cats and the dogs, think about this in terms of the investment you've made.

How much time have you spent training the dogs? Have you spent that same amount of time training the cats?

OK, now when you re-enter the room from work, the store, or the bathroom, do the cats give you any special personal attention? On a scale of 1 to 10, how likely are the dogs or cats showcasing their love for you? Or, perhaps, how likely are the dogs or cats to actually get their butts off the back of the sofa and NOTICE you?

That gives us a baseline. Let's take it a step further:
How often are your kitties likely to bring you the slippers a the bedroom for you? How likely are the cats to do ANYTHING proactive to better anyone's situation but their own?

OK, maybe there's a little false confirmation bias there.

But seriously, dogs are good enough to take their personal affairs last time. The cats can't be bothered to clean out their own litterboxes. If they were so civilized and intelligent, why would they just learn to use the toilet, anyway?

OK, so conclusions seemed to lean toward dogs over cats. If we must lose two of three, it seems that cats are on their way out.

But let's not count them out just yet. Let's continue.

Should I rehome the cats or the kiddoes?

When deciding between cats and children, we can take a very similar approach.

How much time have you spent training the children?

When you enter the room, do the children curl charmingly around your ankle and chirrup like little tribbles?

Do your children have an inborn talent to intuitively know when you need the newspaper off the front lawn? Do they happily bring it between their teeth in the morning?

That's an even split. Tough to say.

Third time tells all, though.

Should I rehome my dogs or my children?

This is a particularly difficult category to consider. When you examine the amount of time spent training both dogs and children, the expense may be considered equal.

It really may all come down to the final consideration: a practice scenario, if you'll permit me.

Let's say you're eating at a dinner table. You find that you are being expected to eat all the dinner on your plate, in order to set a good example to your children.

Do you:

1. Feed the food to your unsuspecting cat, who will inevitably bounce it off the couch with their paw, eat it, and then redeliver it back to you in the shape of a gray lifeless mass in a pool on your pillow,
2. Scrape the extras onto your children's plates and insist that THEY must eat it if they want dessert, or
3. Quietly pass the contraband vegetables off your plate and onto the floor, where your dogs will wolf them down before even stopping to find out that they are.

Booster question: when your significant other returns from the bathroom, which of these three scenarios secure complete anonymity?