In my sexual dreams, I'm very often raped, abused, submissive.

Posted by Amie Dawson on February 25th, 2020

I am 36 years old, I am the mother of two little girls and I try in my daily life to make sure, for myself and for my daughters, to respect my feminist principles. I was 13 years old the first time a boy put his hand on my buttocks during a supervised study in college. I slapped him in front of all the students and the supervisor. To this day, I am still amazed at how bold I was. I have been touched a lot since then (as have many of us).

I was sexually assaulted ten years ago by my supervisor. I was not traumatized, I have no psychological after-effects, I feel good about my body, my intimate relationship with my husband, and I have forgiven my abuser (the idea of filing a complaint hadn't even crossed my mind; it was 2010).

But since the liberation of women's voices, I have become aware of all that I let pass without saying anything and I vowed never to let anything pass again, neither for myself nor for others.

I don't listen to Noir Désir or Michael Jackson any more (although I love their songs), I'll never watch a film by Polanski, Besson, etc. again. The list is long, but what's a few minutes or a few hours of entertainment worth when faced with what their supposed or actual victims may have gone through? It is my choice, I do not impose it on anyone else. In short, I can be quite radical in my opinions and in my speech. 

At the same time, what annoys me, and what I have no control over, are the dreams I have. For years, my sexual dreams have been almost always the same: I am very often raped, violated, submissive... These are not games: these men (they are never familiar faces) are predators and yet, in my dreams, I take pleasure in all this. I even fantasize about being raped while playing with my wand massager.

Sometimes, however, I have erotic dreams in which my husband is present and there is never any mention of violence. I have these dreams several times a month or even a week.

I know that the subconscious has absolutely nothing to do with reality, but I think about it more and more, to the point where I no longer feel internally legitimate when I defend a feminist discourse. How can I decry the culture of rape during the day, when at night my subconscious puts me in such a situation? I feel like I'm betraying myself."