Consider going to couples therapy? Here’s everything you need to know beforehand

Posted by Cynthia Madison on February 27th, 2020

Many people enter relationships and get married believing everything is going to be a fairy-tale. You meet “the one”, you fall madly in love, then you get married and live happily ever after, right? Well, what fairy-tales don’t really tell you is that relationships may sometimes need work in order to succeed. Yes, love should be effortless, but sometimes you need to be willing to give it a push if things don’t seem to work the way they are supposed to.

While some challenges can be easily faced, others do require some help from the experts. And by experts, I mean couples counsellors, trained to help you and your partner discover the best ways to communicate with each other and make the relationship work

But how do you know for sure when it’s time to let the professionals get to work? Well, this is what we will be discussing today, together with how to manage your expectations and understand what couples therapy can really do for you.

silhouette photo of man and woman on cliff

What is couples therapy?

Well, couples therapy is pretty similar to any other form of psychotherapy, but instead of working with individuals, counsellors are working with couples to help them resolve conflicts and get over whatever obstacles they might be facing. 

The practice itself and the methods used can vary from therapist to therapist, but at its core, it tends to involve 4 major steps:

  1. Identifying the specific problem: some couples come to therapy because they have difficulties in the bedroom, others because one or both partners are jealous, or because there is a trust issue involved;

  2. Encourage active participation from both partners: instead of treating each partner separately, the therapist will try to treat the relationship as a whole, regardless of which one of the partners is the one having issues;

  3. Finding solutions: from early on, the therapist will encourage both partners to try and find solutions to their problems, instead of blaming one another for their issues;

  4. Establishing objectives: treatment will be split into objectives, some smaller and some bigger so that they can tackle them one at a time.  

Signs your relationship may need a therapist

Now that you understand what couples therapy is, it’s time to start evaluating your relationship and decide if this is something that will be beneficial for you and your partner. If your relationship is going through one or more of these issues for a prolonged period of time, it may be the right moment to seek professional help from a couples counsellor

You seem to be fighting all the time

This is probably the most obvious sign that something is not going the way it should in your relationship. If you and your partner can’t seem to have a normal conversation without one of you going into rage mode and starting to point fingers, maybe it’s time for both of you to learn how to have a productive conversation. Therapy can help you learn how to voice your opinions in a positive way, treat each other respectfully and have a productive conversation. 

It feels like you are speaking two different languages

People have different opinions about things, but if you feel that every time you talk to your partner, it seems they understand the complete opposite or vice versa, then we might have a problem. Therapy can help you learn how to communicate openly and how to understand you may be having different communication styles. 

You keep fighting over the same issues

If you have to tell your partner the same thing over and over again, and no matter how you say it, they still seem to go their own way, then therapy can help you get to the bottom of the situation. Maybe there are some hidden issues that you may not be aware of, which keep making you go around in circles every time, without finding a solution. 

You are not compatible in the bedroom anymore

It is perfectly normal for your sex life not to be as intense as it was the first months you started dating, but if you keep arguing because you have different sex drives, or because one of you is willing to try some new things, while the other is not, seeking professional help can help you reach middle ground. 

Trust has been broken

If one of you cheated or kept things away from the other partner, such as money issues or the fact that they don’t want kids, once the other person finds out, they will feel betrayed. Trust is probably one of the hardest things to earn back, once it’s been broken, but a good therapist will help you see if the relationship is worth a second chance. 

What to expect from couples therapy

The first thing you need to understand is that therapy, even though it can help with a lot of issues, is not a universal solution that works overnight. Both you and your partner need to be committed to making things work if you really want to continue this relationship. 

As I mentioned above, couples therapy focuses on both partners, with many therapists establishing a no secrets rule, which means everything you share in therapy will be shared with your partner as well. That is because if the therapist starts keeping secrets, they risk betraying the trust of the other partner.

Therapy can take quite some time to finally work out, so don’t expect to be going there once and have all your issues miraculously worked out. Some things you will be able to solve fast, while others you will have to be working on for months. But if both partners are committed and willing to make an effort, the process is going to be that much more fulfilling. 

Last, but not least, therapy can help you decide if you are willing to keep staying in this relationship or not. Many people fear to make this decision because they don’t want to hurt the other one, but therapy will help you come at peace with whatever your choice is, and hopefully, no heart gets broken in the process. 

 

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Cynthia Madison

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Cynthia Madison
Joined: September 28th, 2017
Articles Posted: 50

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