Guilt and Self-Destructive BehaviorsPosted by Nick Niesen on October 26th, 2010 Do you ever wonder if your parents graduated magna cum laude from Guilt University? Do you ever suspect that they majored in Suffering with a minor in Acting Out of Control? All the while earning high grades for other maneuvers that make you feel guilty instantly? I?m making light of something serious to make a point. That point is that we keep many of these guilt-provoking techniques in a place deep within us that affects our outlook, self-worth and future behavior. Imagine a forest alive with trees that are growing taller year by year. Then, one day, a woodsman comes in, ax in hand and swinging hard. The damage he does to the health of the forest is extreme, harsh, and long-term. Now think about these statements, some of which may sound familiar: ?How could you do this to me?? WHACK! ?Some day you?ll realize what I?ve done for you!? WHACK! ?I hope your children do to you what you?ve done to me!? TIMBER! Just as the trees fall to the woodman?s ax, so does your ego under the blows of your parent?s comments. And their damage on you is just as extreme, harsh and long term. But just as the forest comes back to good health over time, so can you come back to your own state of health and happiness. Communication takes many forms and so does manipulation. We?ve just touched on the verbal kinds of guilt-provoking examples, what about their nonverbal counterparts? Pouting. Withdrawing. Icy stares. Cold shoulders. Helpless sobbing. Forlorn looks. If all this drama is directed toward one small child, how could he or she not be affected?
Ever experience the Knife Twist? How about the Bludgeon? Both bring you to the same place?guilt. Let?s start with the parent who manipulates via ?knife twisting.? For the child whose parents want him or her to be excessively devoted to them, no matter how unpleasant it is, here?s what may be heard around the dinner table: ?I?m so miserable without you,? or ?How could you be so selfish and so inconsiderate of me?? or ?After all I?ve sacrificed for you? (note this one may be accompanied by one of the already mentioned nonverbal ?forlorn looks?). What?s the effect of all this knife twisting? Maybe your fear of having to be too devoted will cause you to be afraid of close relationships and so your search for love will never end well. In the chapter ?Why Can?t I Fall in Love and Stay in Love,? you?ll read stories of people whose relationships were damaged by just this issue. Let?s continue with our other style of guilt-provoking manipulation?the Bludgeon. An example of this type is found when you act independently of your authoritarian parent and he or she loses control, explodes in anger, and screams at you because you weren?t obedient or submissive enough. What?s the effect of bludgeoning? In the chapter ?Why Am I Fat and Why Can?t I Lose Weight?? you?ll read about Alice, who rebelled against her controlling parents by getting fat and staying that way.
As a child, it?s hard to imagine that you have the power to inflict so much damage on your parents or siblings just by being yourself and doing the normal things that children do. But because they constantly act so wounded, it?s difficult for you to be unaffected by their guilt-provoking behavior. Now think about this: If you had a brief encounter with an unpleasant stranger at a cocktail party, would you assume then that you were responsible for his offensive behavior? Or would you say to yourself, or to a friend, ?What?s up with him?? Chances are you?d know that if that person behaved badly, it wasn?t your fault. But with your parent or sibling, you?ve been blamed for their unhappiness over a long, long time and you?ve been burdened by long-lasting feelings of (unconscious) guilt. Why is it so difficult to avoid feeling guilty toward your parents when you probably wouldn?t blame yourself for the badly behaving stranger?
As children, we view our parents in the same way that members of a primitive tribe view their gods. When the gods are angry, the heavens erupt and earthquakes, floods, and droughts occur. Tribal elders know for certain that the gods must be appeased. Amends must be made for hurting the gods. With a lack of knowledge about the causes of the natural disasters it experiences, the tribe assumes that it has angered the gods of nature. And so by altering its behavior through prayer, performing rituals and sacrifices, the tribe believes it can placate the offended gods and so alleviate the punishment. But in altering its behavior in order to amend and atone, the tribe may make accommodations even if they?re detrimental to its well-being?for instance, sacrificing a cow even if there?s a shortage of cows.
Changing to keep our parents happy, or at least to not make them angry, is Compare your situation to this one and see if it helps put it all in perspective for you. You?ve been job-hunting for a while and now at last your search is over. You?ve landed a job. Only problem is, you don?t know what the job entails, what is expected of you, and what the requirements actually are. One day you walk into work and your boss is angry with you and you don?t know why. You find yourself thinking, ?What did I do?? ?Was it the way I handled report A, was it the way I dealt with situation B, or maybe it was how I dealt with customer C?? You decide which situation you think it was and then you make what you think is the appropriate change. Next time, you think (and hope) it will be different. Your boss will have nothing to be angry about. You?ve taken care of the problem. Does that make sense to you? Changing but not knowing what you did wrong or fully understanding the situation before you start to make the change? If you don?t know what the problem is, how can you possibly be expected to fix it? To an adult this probably doesn?t make sense, does it? But this is what we, as kids, do. Right or wrong, sense or nonsense, we try to change to make sure our parents (or other siblings) won?t be angry or hurt. We?re always trying to keep those ?gods? of ours happy so they don?t get angry. Like it? Share it!More by this author |