How to deal with Depression
Posted by Molly Era on March 11th, 2020
Coming from a long line of addicts and family members suffering from mental illness, I was destined to get some of that non-so desirable inheritance. With my parents being born in the 1950s, barely above the poverty line, that was not a time where information and diagnosis about mental illnesses were as readily available as in our current time. Not to mention the stigma that went with such a diagnosis. Even to this day, many people consider those who suffer from mental illness as ‘crazy’ and tend to avoid them if possible. So both my parents went undiagnosed until a very later stage of their lives. My father had a serious gambling addiction and my mother suffered from ‘ultradian’ bipolar disorder, which is an ultra-ultra-rapid cycling pattern, with significant mood episodes within a 24h period. So yeah, I drew the genetic lottery there.
Due to my parents being diagnosed so late, it led me to share the same fate. I did not know why sometimes I was so high and sometimes so low, while other people around me seemed to exist in a constant state. What I did realize, even before I started to see a therapist is that I needed to deal with it, to manage the ‘low’s’ and the ‘drops’ of the manic episodes somehow. There is also the fact that with my ‘ultradian’ bipolar disorder (similar to what my mother had) anti-depressants do not work so well.
Disclaimer: I need to point out that the things I am about to talk about are by no means recommendations or medical advice for treating a bipolar disorder or any other form of mental illness. These are my personal forms of dealing with the disorder, not a universal norm or treatment.
1. Recognizing the incoming depressive state and dealing with it
I’m going to start with the great advice that my therapist gave me, which is to try to recognize the patterns and deal with it consciously. While there are some parts of the illness that I cannot deal with, like the fatigue and sleeping for extended periods, some parts I found that I can control. I can make a conscious choice to battle the depression and urge to commit suicide. Whenever I have self-destructive thoughts I try to balance it out with realizing that part of the problem is me focusing on these thoughts. And if I start to focus my thoughts on other aspects of my life, while doing something as simple as washing the dishes or some other physical activity, these self-destructive thoughts lessen. If I can shift my focus, my thoughts to move forward and get passed this day, the next day might bring some relief.
Unfortunately, this does not always work as sometimes the depressive episodes are so bad I’m almost in a catatonic state where I am physically unable to move for hours. Although rare, when this does happen, I find it extremely difficult to focus. It’s almost like I am no longer in control of my body and mind. The only thing that helps, in this case, is moving. I need to move from one point to the other, just take a walk outside, anything to keep my body in motion.
In the long-term nothing has produced the same positive results that sports and music have. For me it’s jogging, though swimming and lifting weights also work. Our current societies and lives do not take into account our biological need to move, climb and explore. I found that by jogging, being outside (preferably in nature) activates some sort of natural anti-depressants that makes it almost impossible not to be happy or at least content. Also, there is a sense of achievement with staying active and doing sports. Even if your day was not the most productive, you at least took care of your body and health.
With music it’s simple. In my opinion, no other art form can alter your mood in a matter of seconds the way music can. It’s not by coincidence that this art form is so popular in our world. It’s mostly free, easy and available. It has helped with my depression since I was a teenager. Though, what I found is that variety is key here. If I use the same songs or music to try to help me when I’m a downward spiral, it can become ineffective after a while. My mind might not even register it and instead of helping me deal with the depression it can make it worse, as I will start to think that not even my favorite song can alter my mood. So I try to mix it up as much as possible to keep the desired effect. What I do is keep a very large selection available at my desktop computer, phone and also listen to radio as well.
I am not certain if my introversion is because of my mental illness or simply just the way I am. Though I believe that being born and living most of my life in somewhat of a ‘hostile’ and less open-minded environment might have contributed to my desire to stay isolated. But even hardcore introverts need some sort of companionship and intimacy.
It has been always a challenge to staying connected with people because of my disorder. Even though my manic states would often amuse people in social circumstances, my low depressive states would make it difficult for me to enjoy their company. The same would happen in my romantic life. Even when I was in what most people would call a ‘perfect relationship’, I could still not shake the feeling that something was wrong. And by not knowing that I had this thing, this illness that made it difficult for me to stay at a constant or at least balanced emotional state, I would contribute my lack of happiness as something lacking from my partner. I would blame others even though they did nothing wrong. This is something that I struggle with to this day.
I found animals to be a great form of companionship, helping me manage my depression and anger. While I would often blame people for why I was feeling depressed, that would rarely happen with an animal. I could also talk to them about anything. What I also found out is that some animals (not all) are very keen to notice if you are sad. While I could easily mask my depressive state from a human, some animals and pets have a way of sensing if I am down. The only downside of pets is if something happens to them it’s incredibly hard to deal with the emotional pain. As I always get super attached to my pets, if I lose them it’s like losing a brother. Combined with my depressive states it’s one of the worst feelings I have experienced.
Sex dolls have been a new thing in my life, something that I was very skeptical and hesitant at first. While I was very attracted to them physically (they look just as good and often better than the real thing), I felt that the lack of emotional connection would be a deal-breaker. At that time, I did not realize how wrong I was. The first time I got my realistic sex doll from Dollpodium, I was so excited it was like the first times I celebrated Christmas. But I quickly realized the first thing that I would dislike about sex dolls is their weight. I am by no means a big muscular man. I have the body of Peter Parker before he was bitten and became Spiderman. It took me about half an hour to get used to the weight of the full-sized love doll and after that several months to perfect moving her. Now, this issue could have been avoided if I would have gotten a sex doll with the standing feet option. It’s much easier to move her if she can stand, but since I’m into feet and did not like the idea of having metal bolts sticking out of her soles, I was left with the hard task of always having to lift her.
After my first doll, I have had 3 others and the best solution I found for lifting the silicone sex doll is to not lift her at all. I keep one in my bed for sleeping, another in my living room to watch movies with and then there are 2 others in my ‘playroom’ (yes, I do have a sex swing). As far as a help for my loneliness and bipolar disorder, it has worked wonders. I can talk to them, cuddle, kiss and even make love. If I get mad, they don’t mind, and when I’m sad they are always there. Since I’ve never been much of a talker, I don’t mind the silence. Yes, I am sometimes bothered by the fact that she cannot touch me or initiate contact but considering my experiences with real people and romantic relationships, the pros far outweigh the cons. And unlike with pets, I do not have to constantly worry about my doll’s well-being. As long as I keep her clean, she’ll be just fine.
Realistic sex dolls have helped with my disorder more than both humans and animals ever have. Because in the end, this is my cross to bear. Yes, I can ask for help and as I am more aware and conscious of my illness I do just that, but at some point, I need to deal with it myself. There won’t always be someone there to pick me up. People have their own problems and lives. It’s just the way that it is.
What I do know is that I will keep looking for solace in the hands of my silicone girls. They help, for how long I do not know. I will still want a regular relationship in the future. But that will be with some open-minded, someone who accepts me with all my flaws and doesn’t mind that I have a few human-sized sex dolls hanging around the house.
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About the AuthorMolly Era
Joined: March 6th, 2020
Articles Posted: 1