We Have to Talk: A Step-By-Step Checklist for Difficult ConversationsPosted by Nick Niesen on October 26th, 2010 Think of a conversation you?ve been putting off. Got it? Great. Then let?s go. There are dozens of books on the topic of difficult, crucial, challenging, important (you get the idea) conversations (I list several at the end of this article). Those times when you know you should talk to someone, but you don?t. Maybe you?ve tried and it went badly. Or maybe you fear that talking will only make the situation worse. Still, there?s a feeling of being stuck, and you?d like to free up that stuck energy for more useful purposes. What you have here is a brief synopsis of best practice strategies: a checklist of action items to think about before going into the conversation; some useful concepts to practice during the conversation; and some tips and suggestions to help your energy stay focused and flowing, including possible conversation openings. You?ll notice one key theme throughout: you have more power than you think.
Before going into the conversation, ask yourself some questions: 1. What is your purpose for having the conversation? What do you hope to accomplish? What would be an ideal outcome? 2. What assumptions are you making about this person?s intentions? You may feel intimidated, belittled, ignored, disrespected, or marginalized, but be cautious about assuming that this was the speaker's intention. Impact does not necessarily equal intent. 3. What ?buttons? of yours are being pushed? Are you more emotional than the situation warrants? Take a look at your ?backstory,? as they say in the movies. What personal history is being triggered? You may still have the conversation, but you?ll go into it knowing that some of the heightened emotional state has to do with you. 4. How is your attitude toward the conversation influencing your perception of it If you think this is going to be horribly difficult, it probably will be. If you truly believe that whatever happens, some good will come of it, that will likely be the case. Try to adjust your attitude for maximum effectiveness. 5. Who is the opponent? What might he be thinking about this situation? Is he aware of the problem? If so, how do you think he perceives it? What are his needs and fears? What solution do you think he would suggest? Begin to reframe the opponent as partner. 6. What are your needs and fears? Are there any common concerns? Could there be? 7. How have you contributed to the problem? How has the other person?
The majority of the work in any conflict conversation is work you do on yourself. No matter how well the conversation begins, you?ll need to stay in charge of yourself, your purpose and your emotional energy. Breathe, center, and continue to notice when you become off center?and choose to return again. This is where your power lies. By choosing the calm, centered state, you?ll help your opponent/partner to be more centered, too. Centering is not a step; centering is how you are as you take the steps. (For more on Centering, see the Resource section at the end of the article.) Step #1: Inquiry If your partner really was from another planet, you?d be watching his body language and listening for unspoken energy as well. Do that here. What does he really want? What is he not saying? Let your partner talk until he is finished. Don?t interrupt except to acknowledge. Whatever you hear, don?t take it personally. It?s not really about you. Try to learn as much as you can in this phase of the conversation. You?ll get your turn, but don?t rush things. Step #2: Acknowledgment Acknowledge whatever you can, including your own defensiveness if it comes up. It?s fine; it just is. You can decide later how to address it. For example, in an argument with a friend, I said: ?I notice I?m becoming defensive, and I think it?s because your voice just got louder and sounded angry. I just want to talk about this topic. I?m not trying to persuade you in either direction.? The acknowledgment helped him (and me) to re-center. Acknowledgment can be difficult if we associate it with agreement. Keep them separate. My saying, ?this sounds really important to you,? doesn?t mean I?m going to go along with your decision. Step #3: Advocacy Step #4: Problem-Solving
The art of conversation is like any art?with continued practice you acquire skill and ease. Here are some additional hints: Tips and Suggestions: ? A successful outcome will depend on two things: how you are and what you say. How you are (centered, supportive, curious, problem-solving) will greatly influence what you say. ? Acknowledge emotional energy?yours and your partner's?and direct it toward a useful purpose. ? Know and return to your purpose at difficult moments. ? Don?t take verbal attacks personally. Help your opponent/partner come back to center. ? Don?t assume your opponent/partner can see things from your point of view. ? Practice the conversation with a friend before holding the real one. ? Mentally practice the conversation. See various possibilities and visualize yourself handling them with ease. Envision the outcome you are hoping for.
In my workshops, a common question is How do I begin the conversation? Here are a few conversation openers I?ve picked up over the years?and used many times!
? I?d like to talk about ____________ with you, but first I?d like to get your point of view. ? I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few minutes to talk? ? I need your help with something. Can we talk about it (soon)? If the person says, ?Sure, let me get back to you,? follow up with him. ? I think we have different perceptions about _____________________. I?d like to hear your thinking on this. ? I?d like to talk about ___________________. I think we may have different ideas about how to _____________________. ? I?d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about ___________. I really want to hear your feelings about this and share my perspective as well. Write a possible opening for your conversation here: ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Resources The Magic of Conflict, by Thomas F. Crum (www.aikiworks.com) Like it? Share it!More by this author |