Six Repair Tools For Your MarriagePosted by Nick Niesen on October 27th, 2010 Rudy and Marjorie were on the verge of divorce. Married 12 years, they had constant verbal battles ending in what therapists call call emotional disengagement? meaning that they simply ignored each other for days on end. Emotionally, they were simmering inside and also lonely for each other, but were unable to reach out and communicate these feelings. They were in a ?cold war? with both waiting for the other to make the first move to melt the icy atmosphere. This couple suffers a common marital malady?lack of skills to repair emotional damage done to each other. According to marital research, almost all couples fight; what often separates the "masters" of marriage from the ?disasters? of marriage is the ability to repair the subsequent damage. Acquiring good repair skills gives the couple a way to recover from the mistakes they may have made. These repair skills provide a?fix? for the damage caused in attempting to communicate to each other other in a way that caused emotional hurt to one or both of them. It is common for partners to make relationship mistakes - after all, anyone can have a bad day, be under too much stress or just use poor judgment in dealing with a situation. Rather than emotinally disengaging from each other or staying angry, try to "fix it" if you are the offender. And if you are the receiver of the damage, your challenge is to find a way to accept your partner?s repair attempt? that is, to see your partner?s repair attempt as an effort to make things better. REPAIR TOOL Tool #1?apologize Say things like: "I?m sorry; I apologize;What I did was really stupid; I don?tknow what got into me." REPAIR Tool #2?confide feelings. Say things like: "I was really afraid for our daughter when I got so angry;I didn?t want to hurt you; I just lost my cool." REPAIR TOOL #3?acknowledge partner?s point of view. Say things like: "I can see what you mean; I never looked at it that way." REPAIR TOOL #4?accept some ofthe responsibility for the conflict. Say things like: "I shouldn't? have done what I did; I guess we both blew it; I can understand why you reacted to me that way." REPAIR TOOL #5?find common ground. Say things like: "We seem to both have the same goal here; we don?t agree on methods but we both want the same outcome." REPAIR TOOL #6?commit to improve behavior. Say things like: "I promise to get up a half hour earlier from nowon; I?ll call if I?m going to be late; I?ll only have two drinks at the party and then stop." Like it? Share it!More by this author |